Ya Gotta Love 'Em

Hello everyone,

Ya gotta love 'em.

Actually, I really mean that.

But if I'm going to talk about loving students, I realize that I need to make all sorts of qualifying explanations, and I ought to tell you why I'm bringing it up in the first place.

I realize that, when I tell new teachers that they need to be firm, that they need to "clamp down," that they must be teachers not friends, that they must not show their emotions in many situations, and that they must not be afraid to be perceived as being mean--when I tell new teachers all these things, they sometimes think that they ought to be cruel or unfeeling.

I don't mean that at all. In fact, I think that teachers must come to love their students--even the really rotten ones.

In order to do that, they must understand what I mean and don't mean by "love."

First, love is never sexual in this context, and it must avoid even the very appearance of sexuality; hence, teachers must carefully guard displays of their love. It's best to be generally evenly emotioned with everyone.

Love does not give in to every whim of the loved one. I used to teach the girls in my class that if their boyfriend tells them, "If you love me you will . . . [fill in the blanks]," then it is a sure sign their boyfriend doesn't love them--he is only using them. (The boys hated me for revealing this secret male strategy, but they can't deny it. And they know how I know it, so there's no point arguing about it.)

Truthfully, if you love someone, you want what's best for them, not what's worst.

Sometimes what's best for them is to suffer consequences for their actions. This may seem paradoxical, but let me illustrate with a few questions: Is it better for your student to get in trouble for being late to your class, or lose a job for being late? Is it better to fail a class in high school or college? Is it better to get medium grades in a good high school, or excellent grades in a bad high school? If you have your own children, and if you love them, what sort of education do you want for them? Is it better for a student to get caught using drugs by someone who loves the student, or by someone who doesn't care?

I mean to say that sometimes, if you love someone, you make them responsible for their actions so that the consequence--though severe--is never excessive or destructive.

Sometimes your love for the many over-rides your love of the one. In a classroom that may mean that you may have to remove someone from the classroom, thereby hurting the education of that one, so that others may learn. (Here are other love questions: Is it better to be suspended from school, or have the parents informed of misbehavior? Is it better to be shamed by having mother sit in the classroom, or to be completely removed from the classroom?) Better yet, you may be harder on one student so that that student will behave and be able to remain with the others, rather than go easy on the student until the student drives you into hatred.

There is a saying that is sometimes bandied around in religious circles, that we should "hate the sin but love the sinner." It works in classroom discipline as well. Love your students, but don't endorse their misbehavior. Another saying, this time from educational circles, is also valid: "Correct the action, not the child."

Finally, love is forgiving, but not always trusting. A student that I trusted and was close to once stole from me and some other students of mine. The student was caught, disciplined, and forgiven for the theft after appropriate restitution. I was upfront with the student about how that student would not likely be able to be trusted for many years, but we are still good friends, and there has never been any doubt about my affection for the student.

Ya gotta love 'em. It sure beats the alternative.

Jeff Combe